As I watch the water gently flowing by it looks so calm and peaceful – moving so slowly it is almost still.
I am drawn to that stillness. I envy that stillness. To be moving forward at a gentle pace is a state that I work so hard to achieve and I so often miss the mark.
I think I miss out on that peace because I idealize it as a constant state that one can live in but even the river doesn’t enjoy that peace for long. Not far down stream there is a little waterfall where the water changes abruptly from quiet and still to noisy turmoil.
I often forget that the turmoil in life is also a natural state. There are times in life that seem chaotic and overwhelming but underneath that chaos is an opportunity for learning and growth.
A waterfall will not always stay the same. Over time the force of the water will wear away the stone – in some places gentling the drop and at others making it more pronounced. It is influenced by the world around and it leaves a mark on the world as it moves forward.
When you find yourself in times of rushing waterfalls look for places where you can make positive changes in yourself and the world around you.
When your life is in a time of calm and gentle progress forward give thanks for the peace and tranquility in life. And when you find yourself in a time of turmoil know that although times of rapid growth and change can be tiring and overwhelming it won’t last forever. There will be still waters ahead once again
I know there is a full moon tonight…but I can’t find. I search the skies looking for the faintest hint of its ethereal light. All I can see are tones of grey and black with tiny snowflakes glittering in the sky. The moon is full tonight, but I cannot see it.
Even when we cannot see it the moon is ever-present – orbiting the earth, pushing and pulling the tides. Its movement is essential to life as we know it on earth. Its cycles mark the passage of time and teach us about the rhythms of life. At each stage of the lunar cycle our perception of the light it is reflecting changes. At some points in the cycle it is full and bright, at other points it is barely a sliver of light.
Like the moon our life too goes through phases. Times when everything seems full and bright and times when it seems like darkness is surrounding you. Sometimes those cycles are the predictable rhythms of life. At other times it seems like life should be full of light but clouds of darkness obscure your vision. If you are experiencing an unexpected time of darkness – a loss of loved one, financial hardship, feeling lost and need of direction – it is so important to remember that it is part of life’s rhythm. It is hard. It is painful. It is overwhelming but somewhere deep inside you can find the strength to continue on. The moon is full tonight…you may not be able to see it right now…but it is there!
Where do you find yourself in the rhythm of life today? What do you need to prepare yourself for tomorrow?
As I walk though the woods today, I can’t help but notice the scars of damage on the trees around me. Some from human inflicted damage where branches or trees were cut to create a safe path to walk on…
Others where birds, animals and insects have eaten the bark or made a home in the tree…
Places where the wind has blown branches from trees…
And even places where bark is split simply by the natural process of growth…
I don’t know if this damage causes pain to the trees and if so to what extent but as a person who has been taught to avoid pain her whole life, I feel a surge of empathy as I look upon these battered trees.
From a young age we are taught to avoid things that cause us pain… …don’t touch the hot stove or you will burn yourself… …don’t hit your sibling because they will hit you back… …don’t leave your Legos on the floor or you might step on one…
Pain is a way for our bodies to warn us about things that are dangerous, so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again, but I think at times we learn those lessons at little too well – especially when it comes to emotional pain.
There is no shortage of pop psychology that tries to teach us how to avoid pain. I cannot tell you how many YouTube videos, articles, and blog posts I have stumbled across with themes like “red flags you are in a toxic relationship”, “how to tell if someone is actually interested in you”, “markers of a bad relationship” and so forth. These are all written in an attempt to help us avoid emotional pain but there are two common fallacies that I find in all of these materials.
All relationships fit into set patterns.
Pain should be avoided at all costs.
We are all unique and weird in our own wonderful ways so what is a sign of a problem in one relationship could actually be a sign of healthy relationship for someone else. For example, I am not great at managing finances. I have a terrible habit of stress shopping, so for me a partner who manages my finances would be very helpful but for someone else it may feel controlling and overwhelming.
When assessing healthy or unhealthy relationship dynamics you must take into consideration the unique gifts and needs of everyone involved. This can be seen when we look at the trees that were cut along the trail. We need to create a path through the trees because few people these days have the skills to navigate their way through a forest without getting lost, but this needs to be done in a way that is respectful to the environment. If we cut the trees at random the harm being done to the trees creates an unhealthy relationship with nature but if we take the time to study the area, we can create a space that is mutually beneficial. We can create trails for people to walk on while assessing the health of the trees and removing dying branches so the trees can grow stronger by focusing their energy on the healthy branches.
Looking to nature also shows us that pain is an unavoidable part of living in community. Woodpeckers eat insects that could cause damage to trees thus protecting them from harm, but they also create holes in the tree to live in. Because we all have different needs and desires, there will be times in any relationship when we cause or endure unintentional pain. The important thing is how you respond to that pain. Do you use it as an opportunity to learn and grow together or is it something that develops into a negative pattern?
We all have different levels of pain tolerance so there is no “one size fits all” answer to managing pain in your life. Perhaps, a place to start would be to reflect on the following questions:
When has pain (physical or emotional) being a gift in your life and created positive change?
How do you discern when the pain of situation is too great and you need to change the dynamic or walk away from a situation?
Important note: When I talk about natural pain in a relationship, I am referring to UNINTENTIONAL pain. If some is causing you deliberate physical or emotional pain, please leave the situation! If you need assistance visit this website for places in Canada that offer support: https://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help-2/
As I walk through the trees on this beautiful sunny day everything looks perfect. The sun is shining through the trees, there is a light dusting of snow, the path is clear with very little ice, the temperature is comfortable and there is very little wind.
Everything appears to be just right and yet I find myself a little disappointed. You see in the summer this path feels like a journey into another world. The leaves create a thick canopy overhead so that even on the sunniest days only an ethereal, green tinged light shines through. The foliage is thick and spills out on the path sometimes obscuring your way and taking you in unexpected directions as the greenery shifts throughout the season. The whole bush is alive with the bustling of animals and insects. Everything feels like it is full of purpose.
In the summer, this section of trees feels like a magical oasis made just for you. In the winter it all feels a bit flat and I can’t help noticing the cars driving down the road that is at the edge of the tree line and I find myself distracted by the fact that you can see people on the path even if they are a few kilometers away.
I feel let down by this path that in the summer is one of my favourite places to explore (despite the inevitable mosquito bites) but the reality is that there is nothing wrong with this path in the winter. It is simply different. It is in a state of rest – preparing for a new year. It is my expectations that have caused me to be disappointed.
Life constantly changes around us. If we try to hold on too tightly to ideas of what something should be, we miss out on the opportunity to enjoy it for what it is.
When I returned to walk this path, letting go of my expectations, I realized there was beauty all around me – in the way the melting snow dripped off the trees creating patterns on the ground, in the footsteps that walked before creating a path to follow, in the openness of the space that allowed me to see how all the paths are connected. By letting go of my expectations and being fully present I was finally able to let go of how I thought the path should be and appreciated it for what it was.
This rose didn’t have a chance to bloom before the first snow of the year. It may still have a chance. I live in southern Ontario where winter tends to have a few false starts but even if it warms up over the next few days this likely all the growth this bloom will see.
There are three ways to look at this flower:
Isn’t it a shame it was such a late bloomer that it didn’t reach its full potential?
Change its circumstances. Cut it off and bring it into the warm house in the hope that it will still bloom.
Appreciate the stage it is at and recognize its beauty.
The world we live in is full of “supposed to’s” You are supposed to learn to walk and talk; to go to school and earn good grades; to go university or college or find a “real” job; to buy a house; to have a family; to advance in a “respectable” career; to retire and finally get to relax.
All of these “supposed to’s” come with a timeline placed on you by the culture you live in and yet so many people struggle to fit into these social norms and instead of questioning the structure of our society, we question the value of ourselves. We believe the world when it tells us we are not living up to our potential but what if it is the world around us that it is not living up to its potential?
What if we recognized the gifts and skills in people and helped them to change their circumstance so they could reach their full potential? Like the rose being brought in from the cold, a little bit of attention and support can make a huge difference in a person’s life.
And if a person has all the care and support that we can offer, and they are still not blossoming perhaps it is our expectations that need to change. We are blessed with different gifts and skills, but they do not always fit in our production driven world. Next time you meet someone who does not seem to be living up to their potential instead of trying to drag them forward try meeting them where they are at and listen for the wisdom and learning they can share with you.
And if the world is making you feel like you are not reaching your potential take the time to pause and assess whether you feel like you are on the right path. If you are happy with where you are don’t let the world around you take that away.
As I was walking today this tree caught my eye because it looks tall and strong and yet near the base of the trunk there is a large hole that looks like it may be the home to an animal. This hole was not always a part of the tree. Wood chips at the bottom of the hole suggest that it was hollowed out by an animal. Because the tree is healthy and strong it is able to withstand this damage but if the hole was any larger or the tree was in a harsher climate it would be at risk of serious damage.
It left me wondering how do we determine how much we give of ourselves to care for others?
Something that I have been trying to be mindful of lately is to love without holding back.
That has involved some changes in my life that have been relatively pain free and other changes that are little less pain free.
For a long time I have avoided commenting on public Facebook posts in the name of preserving my own mental health but recently I have realized that a little bit of added frustration in my life could make a big difference in the life of someone else.
I realized the importance of speaking out as there was an increase in LGBTQ2SI+ videos coming up in my newsfeed. For the most part comments tended to be positive and supportive but on every post there was at least one person who was condemning natural behaviors and expression of self in the name of Christianity.
I felt it was important to speak out and make sure that it was known that all Christians do not interpret scripture this way and that people in the LGBTQ2SI+ community don’t have to choose between their faith and their gender or sexual orientation.
I am confident enough in my faith that it doesn’t hurt me when I am told I am bad Christian or going to hell for speaking out in support of the LGBTQ2SI+ community so with little personal cost I have been able to speak at little more love into a public forum.
In my personal life I am finding speaking out love is a little (okay, a lot) more challenging.
I have always loved deeply but that may not have always been apparent to the people around me. Most of my family will openly and confidently say, “I love you” to anyone they care about but that has never been comfortable for me. That difference of expression led to a game in our family for a while of them trying to get me to say it back. Every time I talked to my mom or one of my sisters they would end the conversation by saying “I love you” and I would respond with a quick and awkward, “Okay, bye!”
As a child communicating anything in words was not my preference so saying, “I love you” just felt unnatural. Although I still prefer to communicate through action and subtext, to say that is still the reason why I struggle to verbally express my love would not be entirely true.
If I am being honest with myself that hesitancy to speak out is now much more rooted in fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that even if the love is reciprocated we may not be in the same place. Fear of the changes love brings.
No longer letting myself be held back by that fear has brought some positive changes in my life – like the friend who I had a conversation with about how much we were missing each other so now we have scheduled regular plans so we can connect more deeply – but it has also opened me up to places of hurt. Those fears are not ungrounded. They are things that I am sure I will occasionally experience the rest of my life but speaking out love has helped to realize that I will experience those things even if I keep silent. It is a slower and perhaps less intense pain but not speaking out still cuts you off from any potential deepening of relationship.
But what do you do when that potential for a deeper relationship is not met? Someone not loving you or not loving you in the same way doesn’t make your feelings go away. So how do you honour that love without giving too much of yourself away?
These are questions that I will continue to struggle with but as I reflect on them I will hold on to the memory of the tree that is able to provide shelter because it is in a place of strength and I will continue to look for things that bolster my inner strength as I continue to attempt to navigate the complexities of love.
As we enter into Fall all of my favourite places to walk are lined with golden rod. Which means no matter how antihistamines I take after just a few minutes of walking I start having trouble breathing and get itchy all over.
The grumpy allergy ridden part of my brain says it is just a dumb weed and we should just rip it all out so that I have one less allergen to worry about!
But when I pause to take a moment to observe the plant, I see a flurry of life and activity. There are bees and wasps fluttering in and out – receiving nourishment and pollinating the plants. Butterflies stop and rest for a moment providing a beautiful contrast to the vibrant yellow colour. (I didn’t get a picture of that. Butterflies tend to be shy and fly away when the camera is on them.)
The golden rod is an important part of the ecosystem that we are a part of, and I should not just remove it for my convenience.
There are so many places in life where the needs of one person conflicts with the needs of someone else. For a person in a wheelchair a ramp is a necessity but for someone who can walk but is unable to walk long distances the same ramp becomes a barrier.
Using in screens for conferences or in worship services is a great way to provide information to a large group of people but for some people who wear glasses they can be challenging to see. Some people may have to sit a specific distance away to be able to see properly.
The school I attend strives to be scent free in an attempt to be more accessible. That is great for me since I am allergic to some scents that are common in cosmetics and cleaning products. It was not so great for my friend who uses lavender oil to help with her migraines.
So, when one person’s needs are in direct conflict with the needs of another how do you create a space that is best for everyone.
My initial reaction was to put her health first. After all I am used to being in places that trigger my allergies. Luckily, my friend was trying to put my health first and didn’t allow me to sacrifice my own well being for hers. We were able to talk it through and work out a system where she would use it at night and wash it off before I saw her in the morning and if too much lingered on her I was able to move away from her and she would know it was nothing personal.
But when conflicts arise in broader society, we don’t always feel like everyone in the discussion are holding each other’s best interests at heart.
How do we create a space where everyone feels like their needs are heard and we can acknowledge the unique needs and perspectives in a community so that we can move into a place that balances the needs of all?
Where have you seen imbalances in the world? Who needs to be invited into the conversation to address that imbalance?
How many of you grew up playing that game? When I see this lone petal sitting on the ground it reminds of the hours I spent pulling petals off flowers trying to discover if the person I had a crush on loved me too. Sometimes as I would get close enough to the end to foresee the outcome I would “accidently” pull two petals at once so that I would get the desired outcome – like the flower truly had the power to grant the love I was searching for.
Although there is much we can learn from flowers and from nature, I don’t think the flowers hold the secrets of love. So where should we learn about love?
I grew up watching Disney movies and as I got older, I added some good cheesy romantic comedies into the mix. If I take my love lessons from the movies I have watched, here is what I learned:
Love happens instantaneously
You will know within a few days if you found the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with
If someone picks on you it is because they like you (arguably the most harmful trope)
If you are nerdy and awkward all you need is a dramatic makeover and then people will love you
If you hold on to your crush for years, they will eventually come back to you and realize they were in love with you all along
Your male best friend is probably in love with you
If someone doesn’t love you in the same way you love them you just need to make a big romantic gesture and then you will be together forever
Love leads to “happily ever after”
In my experience that is not often how love actually works. Because I have been so strongly influenced by pop culture ideas of love for I long time I thought I had very little experience of love, but the reality is that I have loved deeply and been loved. My expression of love just didn’t fit into the cookie cutter of Hollywood romantic love.
In Greek there are seven different words for love:
Eros: romantic, passionate love
Philia: intimate, authentic friendship
Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
Storge: unconditional, familial love
Philautia: self-love
Pragma: committed, companionate love
Agápe: empathetic, universal love
The movies and media that influence are culture put so much emphasis on romantic love that we have a tendency undervalue and misinterpret all other types of love in our life.
I have experienced very little romantic love in my life, but I have friends and family who I love deeply and who love me in return. Acknowledging the love in my life has actually been incredibly freeing in my search for romantic love. I have stopped putting so much pressure on myself and any potential romantic partner to fill what I thought was a void in my life. As much as I do still hope to one day experience that romantic love that will one day develop into a long term commitment, I no longer feel like my love is wasted when it doesn’t work out that way.
I have finally learned that it is okay to love someone who doesn’t love you in the same way (assuming your love doesn’t become obsessive – don’t even get me started on the travesty of the portrayal of how Snape loves Lily). There will be times when you love someone who doesn’t return the feelings or maybe they will love you in a different way. That doesn’t mean your love was wasted or that you can’t be friends with that person. It simply means that you need to create good boundaries so that you can maintain that friendship in a healthy way. Love is not finite. Loving one person does not mean you can’t be open to loving someone else.
Love will change over time. You will not stay in that romantic happily ever love forever and that’s okay. Long term committed relationships will have times when you and your partner(s) will feel very close emotionally and there will be times when you feel more distant. Romantic love only stays constant and lasts forever in fairy tales.
It is so important to learn to acknowledge and express your love in a way that works for you and your loved ones because who we love and how we love impacts how we engage with the world around us.
Take a moment to reflect on and celebrate all the love you have in your life. How has that love shaped you and affected how you engage with the world?
I went for a barefoot walk this evening. Normally when I walk barefoot, I stick to sidewalks or to grassy areas, but I haven’t walked on the trail by our house in weeks. I was a little concerned that the mulched path would be a bit too rough for my feet but the first couple steps were divinely soft. The mulch at the edge of the path had broken down into a fine dirt after many feet, paws and bikes traveled over it. Traveling further in there were some larger pieces so I had to choose my steps carefully. My movements were slower and more deliberate, so I was able to more fully appreciate the beauty around me – like the sun beginning to set through the trees.
So often we think of challenges in life – the things that wear us down and make us feel broken – as somehow diminishing our worth and wellbeing but what if look at those challenges as something that softens our rough edges.
I have struggled with varying levels of anxiety my whole life. Going into a new place where I don’t know what to expect or what is expected of me always fills me with dread. I am not likely to dive into something new without giving it a lot of thought and doing as much research as possible. At times I have missed opportunities because I was afraid to act. At these times my anxiety is frustrating and I wish I could be rid of it.
Living with anxiety has not been easy but just like the rough patches in the mulch it forced me to slow down and observe the world around me. This has allowed me to be more aware of the needs of others and be more empathetic. It is a challenge I will likely carry with me my whole life but it is also a part of what has made me who I am today and for that I can only be grateful.
Looking at this photo you see a place where there were once three blooms. Two have flourished while the third has withered away. There is no way of knowing for sure what happened to the middle flower, but it seems likely that there were not enough resources to support them all.
Looking at these flowers I began to wonder what resources am I using to excess and not leaving enough for others?
This is an important question to ask in this world where there are enough resources to share and yet some many go hungry, but the more I reflected on this image the more I wondered how can I be more like the middle flower? What can I give up so that others around me can flourish?
That kind of sacrificial love is scary. We are taught to believe that if we give too much up, we will end up like that middle flower – withered and with nothing left to give but I don’t think that is true.
Growing up I was blessed to get to witness part of the life of one of the most generous people I have ever met. My grandfather, Herb Quickfall, was a child during the depression. As a young boy he would be sent out to sit on the tractor when the bank came to collect and explain that the tractor to belonged to his grandfather and not his father so they couldn’t take it away. He grew up in a time when food and resources were scarce. Even in old age he hated eating macaroni because that was something that could be bought cheaply and in bulk, so he had his fill of it in his early years.
It would have been easy for him to feel the need to hoard his money in later years so he would never have to worry about that kind of scarcity again but instead he chose to love indiscriminately and to do his best to help anyone in need.
When friends and family needed a loan to buy a house or start a business, he was there to lend whatever he had. He loaned and rented land on his small farm to many people and causes over the years . He even hired one of his old cubs (when the man was in his 60s) to come and mow lawn – which was as much an opportunity to help the man financially as it was a chance to check on his well being each week.
Grandpa gave generously of his physical and financial resources, but he gave even more generously of his love and care for all creation.
We spent many years helping Grandpa hunt for puffballs and morels. They were a favourite treat of his, but they were also an excuse to go and visit with a neighbour and share the fruits of our search. He would always deliver tapes of worship services and newsletters from the church in person so he would have a chance to visit with each person along the way.
When there was someone new at any event, he would always be among the first to talk to them. Our family often joked that he was looking for someone who hadn’t heard the same story a hundred times, but the reality was that he always went out of his way to make everyone feel included.
He loved generously in all situations and despite the fact that he would tell you he didn’t have many friends when he died there were hundreds of people at his funeral who had been touched by his stories and by his love and I think each of us there learned to love a little more deeply because of him.
I hope this image and this story will remind you to love deeply and give generously. It is not always easy – love is not free from pain – but it is worth more than you will ever know!
