He loves me… he loves me not…
How many of you grew up playing that game? When I see this lone petal sitting on the ground it reminds of the hours I spent pulling petals off flowers trying to discover if the person I had a crush on loved me too. Sometimes as I would get close enough to the end to foresee the outcome I would “accidently” pull two petals at once so that I would get the desired outcome – like the flower truly had the power to grant the love I was searching for.
Although there is much we can learn from flowers and from nature, I don’t think the flowers hold the secrets of love. So where should we learn about love?
I grew up watching Disney movies and as I got older, I added some good cheesy romantic comedies into the mix. If I take my love lessons from the movies I have watched, here is what I learned:
- Love happens instantaneously
- You will know within a few days if you found the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with
- If someone picks on you it is because they like you (arguably the most harmful trope)
- If you are nerdy and awkward all you need is a dramatic makeover and then people will love you
- If you hold on to your crush for years, they will eventually come back to you and realize they were in love with you all along
- Your male best friend is probably in love with you
- If someone doesn’t love you in the same way you love them you just need to make a big romantic gesture and then you will be together forever
- Love leads to “happily ever after”
In my experience that is not often how love actually works. Because I have been so strongly influenced by pop culture ideas of love for I long time I thought I had very little experience of love, but the reality is that I have loved deeply and been loved. My expression of love just didn’t fit into the cookie cutter of Hollywood romantic love.
In Greek there are seven different words for love:
- Eros: romantic, passionate love
- Philia: intimate, authentic friendship
- Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
- Storge: unconditional, familial love
- Philautia: self-love
- Pragma: committed, companionate love
- Agápe: empathetic, universal love
The movies and media that influence are culture put so much emphasis on romantic love that we have a tendency undervalue and misinterpret all other types of love in our life.
I have experienced very little romantic love in my life, but I have friends and family who I love deeply and who love me in return. Acknowledging the love in my life has actually been incredibly freeing in my search for romantic love. I have stopped putting so much pressure on myself and any potential romantic partner to fill what I thought was a void in my life. As much as I do still hope to one day experience that romantic love that will one day develop into a long term commitment, I no longer feel like my love is wasted when it doesn’t work out that way.
I have finally learned that it is okay to love someone who doesn’t love you in the same way (assuming your love doesn’t become obsessive – don’t even get me started on the travesty of the portrayal of how Snape loves Lily). There will be times when you love someone who doesn’t return the feelings or maybe they will love you in a different way. That doesn’t mean your love was wasted or that you can’t be friends with that person. It simply means that you need to create good boundaries so that you can maintain that friendship in a healthy way. Love is not finite. Loving one person does not mean you can’t be open to loving someone else.
Love will change over time. You will not stay in that romantic happily ever love forever and that’s okay. Long term committed relationships will have times when you and your partner(s) will feel very close emotionally and there will be times when you feel more distant. Romantic love only stays constant and lasts forever in fairy tales.
It is so important to learn to acknowledge and express your love in a way that works for you and your loved ones because who we love and how we love impacts how we engage with the world around us.
Take a moment to reflect on and celebrate all the love you have in your life. How has that love shaped you and affected how you engage with the world?