Category: Poetry

We are told God does not change…
That “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
And yet God through Jesus experienced a fully human life.
And what is life with out change?

We are constantly changing, constantly learning, constantly growing.
So how could God be fully human and unchanging?

Being unchanging is not a goal in human life…
…it is an indication of a problem.
It means a person is not engaging life;
Not being open to the path God is calling them to.

If we are meant to change, why do we expect God to stay the same?
Is it possible to be unchanging and still learn and grow?

I know that Jesus was changed by his encounter with the Syrophoenician woman.
His vision of God’s people was changed by her challenge.
You may say he was making a point;
But I know he was making a change.

So why do we need God to remain the same?
Why are we so afraid of change?

What is unchanging is God’s love for us.
Love is constant and ever-present…
…and times complicated.
But it is always there.

So how can God be unchanging
and at the same time constantly evolving?

Consciousness will change.
Understanding will change.
Interactions will change.
But God’s love for us – for all of creation – that will never change.

You have broke into my head this week…
…unbidden…
…just as you broke into me body so many years ago…
…and broke me.

Looking back, I should have foreseen what was going to happen.
You were so gentle creating cracks in me…
…until you were ready to shatter me…
…with one final blow.

Are you even aware of the damage you caused?
Do you know that you left me so broken
that I was afraid to acknowledge it?
…afraid that if I picked up the pieces, they would cut me…
…cut me so deep that I would never recover.

So, I let it go…
…I thought I moved on…
…but in truth I was standing still…
…marking time…
…gently holding the pieces of myself together…
…subconsciously knowing the one false move, one tiny misstep could make me fall apart.

But I can no longer pretend I have all the piece…
…can no longer pretend I am still whole.
You have taken a part of me that I don’t know how to get back.

And in that open space has grown an overwhelming sense of guilt…
Because I should have known,
I should have seen what you were capable of.
I was even warned…
…warned that you were willing to take
a piece of someone you had no right to.
But as much I tried, I couldn’t quite believe her
because I thought I knew you.

I believe her now.
But it is too late…
It is too late for me to go back to that moment in time
and tell her I am sorry…
…to help her get the support she needed to heal from the hurt you caused.
I pray that she found that healing…
…but that mistake…that doubt…that is a stain on my heart that will never wash clean.

Every time you invade my mind I am left wondering if I should have spoken out.
Is keeping silent a naïve desire to see the best in everyone,
to believe that you could change.
Am I putting others at risk by staying silent?
I don’t want to ruin your life…
…but I also don’t want to let you hurt anyone else.

Today it is too hard to hope…
…too hard to find the light in a world increasing darkness…

I think of Jesus healing the lepers and wonder…
Where is your healing light amidst this time of pandemic?

I think of Moses leading his people out of the dessert and wonder…
Where is our guiding light?
Who will come to set us free…
…free of greed…
  …free of hatred…
    …free of fear…

I think of Jesus healing the hemorrhaging woman and wonder…
If I will ever be healed?

I think of how you made Abraham and Sarah’s family whole and wonder…
How much longer I will have to wait to be whole?

I keep looking for your light and wonder….
Maybe it is time for a little darkness…
   …to lay down with you in the tomb…
      …and look for the things that only shine in the dark…

I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you…
It will all be okay
You will feel better tomorrow
This is only temporary.

But those are promises I can’t make
I don’t know how long this time of struggle will last
I don’t know what will make it better
I don’t know how long the time of clarity will last when you get through this.

But I do know…
You will get through this you
You are stronger than you know
You’ve done it before and you can do it again.

And I am here for you
In whatever way you need me
I will be there by your side
to comfort and support you
for as long as you will let me.

Just like you have been there for me
When I felt like I wasn’t good enough
Was strong enough
Just wasn’t enough! It was your comfort and strength
that got me through
And now I am here
ready to do the same for you
All you have to do is let me in…

Hovering between hope and heartbreak
I scour through your words
looking for some hint
of how the conversation is going to go
I know you love me too
But I don’t if you have the courage to be open with our love

So, I prepare myself for heartbreak
For the conversation I have had too many times

I love you but…
…but the timing is right
…but I am not ready for a relationship
…but we are just too different
…but I am not willing to fight for our love.

And yet there is still a part of me filled with hope…
…maybe this time…

I am trying to find the words…
The words I so long to speak
But I know it is too much, too soon
Not the right time.

So instead, I search for other words to say…
You are wonderful
You are handsome
You are compassionate
You are kind
You are brilliant
You are inspiring
You are my safe place
You are all I have been looking for
No… that is still too much. So, I will continue to muddle through
This plethora of words
Until I can finally say…
I love you!

I am sitting here waiting once again
Waiting like I was months ago
When my heart was filled
with joyful anticipation
Waiting for you come around the corner
So I could find out
If you were the one I was waiting for.

But I should have kept waiting
You weren’t ready
I should have seen the signs
But I was blinded by my love for you
Blinded by what our future could be
And now once again
I am sitting here
Waiting….

But not for you…

I know that I cannot have lifetime with you
But I find myself longing for even just a moment
A moment where I can get lost in your eyes
And feel that anticipation
Just before our lips would touch
Saying all those things unspoken between us.

I moment to be held in your arms
So tightly that I don’t quite know
Where I end and you begin
A moment where we could come together
So completely – in body, mind, and spirit.

And yet, even if we never have that moment
You have already given me so many good memories…
The way my world lights up when you smile
A chance to challenge and support each other
A feeling of home when I am with you
These are moments that I will hold onto…
…for a lifetime…

I walk the places we walked together
and I feel you there with me
I see your smile
I hear your laugh
I remember the joy of being together.

But now I walk this path alone
Walking through memories
Haunted by the ghosts
of what might have been
Wishing you were here with me.

So, I sit hear just wishing
for one more day together
lost in love
filled with hope
dreaming of what the future might hold.

But you are no longer with me
I am here alone
But never fully alone
Trapped here with the ghost of you
Wondering how long I must live my life
Haunted

Whenever we are together
I take in every piece of you

Each line on your face
The slight curve of your nose
Which hairs are sticking up out of place

I take in every part of you
So that I have something to hold on to
When you are gone

But is never quite enough
I can never fully recreate

The warmth in your smile
The love in your eyes
The comfort of your presence

And so I wait…
Clinging on to this pale imitation of you
And longing for the day when we can be together again