As I walk though the woods today, I can’t help but notice the scars of damage on the trees around me.
Some from human inflicted damage where branches or trees were cut to create a safe path to walk on…
Others where birds, animals and insects have eaten the bark or made a home in the tree…
Places where the wind has blown branches from trees…
And even places where bark is split simply by the natural process of growth…
I don’t know if this damage causes pain to the trees and if so to what extent but as a person who has been taught to avoid pain her whole life, I feel a surge of empathy as I look upon these battered trees.
From a young age we are taught to avoid things that cause us pain…
…don’t touch the hot stove or you will burn yourself…
…don’t hit your sibling because they will hit you back…
…don’t leave your Legos on the floor or you might step on one…
Pain is a way for our bodies to warn us about things that are dangerous, so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again, but I think at times we learn those lessons at little too well – especially when it comes to emotional pain.
There is no shortage of pop psychology that tries to teach us how to avoid pain. I cannot tell you how many YouTube videos, articles, and blog posts I have stumbled across with themes like “red flags you are in a toxic relationship”, “how to tell if someone is actually interested in you”, “markers of a bad relationship” and so forth. These are all written in an attempt to help us avoid emotional pain but there are two common fallacies that I find in all of these materials.
- All relationships fit into set patterns.
- Pain should be avoided at all costs.
We are all unique and weird in our own wonderful ways so what is a sign of a problem in one relationship could actually be a sign of healthy relationship for someone else. For example, I am not great at managing finances. I have a terrible habit of stress shopping, so for me a partner who manages my finances would be very helpful but for someone else it may feel controlling and overwhelming.
When assessing healthy or unhealthy relationship dynamics you must take into consideration the unique gifts and needs of everyone involved. This can be seen when we look at the trees that were cut along the trail. We need to create a path through the trees because few people these days have the skills to navigate their way through a forest without getting lost, but this needs to be done in a way that is respectful to the environment. If we cut the trees at random the harm being done to the trees creates an unhealthy relationship with nature but if we take the time to study the area, we can create a space that is mutually beneficial. We can create trails for people to walk on while assessing the health of the trees and removing dying branches so the trees can grow stronger by focusing their energy on the healthy branches.
Looking to nature also shows us that pain is an unavoidable part of living in community. Woodpeckers eat insects that could cause damage to trees thus protecting them from harm, but they also create holes in the tree to live in. Because we all have different needs and desires, there will be times in any relationship when we cause or endure unintentional pain. The important thing is how you respond to that pain. Do you use it as an opportunity to learn and grow together or is it something that develops into a negative pattern?
We all have different levels of pain tolerance so there is no “one size fits all” answer to managing pain in your life. Perhaps, a place to start would be to reflect on the following questions:
- When has pain (physical or emotional) being a gift in your life and created positive change?
- How do you discern when the pain of situation is too great and you need to change the dynamic or walk away from a situation?
Important note: When I talk about natural pain in a relationship, I am referring to UNINTENTIONAL pain. If some is causing you deliberate physical or emotional pain, please leave the situation! If you need assistance visit this website for places in Canada that offer support: https://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help-2/