Month: November 2020

As I was walking today this tree caught my eye because it looks tall and strong and yet near the base of the trunk there is a large hole that looks like it may be the home to an animal.  This hole was not always a part of the tree.  Wood chips at the bottom of the hole suggest that it was hollowed out by an animal.  Because the tree is healthy and strong it is able to withstand this damage but if the hole was any larger or the tree was in a harsher climate it would be at risk of serious damage.

It left me wondering how do we determine how much we give of ourselves to care for others?

Something that I have been trying to be mindful of lately is to love without holding back.

That has involved some changes in my life that have been relatively pain free and other changes that are little less pain free.

For a long time I have avoided commenting on public Facebook posts in the name of preserving my own mental health but recently I have realized that a little bit of added frustration in my life could make a big difference in the life of someone else.

I realized the importance of speaking out as there was an increase in LGBTQ2SI+ videos coming up in my newsfeed.  For the most part comments tended to be positive and supportive but on every post there was at least one person who was condemning natural behaviors and expression of self in the name of Christianity.

I felt it was important to speak out and make sure that it was known that all Christians do not interpret scripture this way and that people in the LGBTQ2SI+ community don’t have to choose between their faith and their gender or sexual orientation.

I am confident enough in my faith that it doesn’t hurt me when I am told I am bad Christian or going to hell for speaking out in support of the LGBTQ2SI+ community so with little personal cost I have been able to speak at little more love into a public forum.

In my personal life I am finding speaking out love is a little (okay, a lot) more challenging.

I have always loved deeply but that may not have always been apparent to the people around me.  Most of my family will openly and confidently say, “I love you” to anyone they care about but that has never been comfortable for me.  That difference of expression led to a game in our family for a while of them trying to get me to say it back.  Every time I talked to my mom or one of my sisters they would end the conversation by saying “I love you” and I would respond with a quick and awkward, “Okay, bye!”

As a child communicating anything in words was not my preference so saying, “I love you” just felt unnatural.  Although I still prefer to communicate through action and subtext, to say that is still the reason why I struggle to verbally express my love would not be entirely true.

If I am being honest with myself that hesitancy to speak out is now much more rooted in fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear that even if the love is reciprocated we may not be in the same place.
Fear of the changes love brings.

No longer letting myself be held back by that fear has brought some positive changes in my life – like the friend who I had a conversation with about how much we were missing each other so now we have scheduled regular plans so we can connect more deeply – but it has also opened me up to places of hurt.  Those fears are not ungrounded.  They are things that I am sure I will occasionally experience the rest of my life but speaking out love has helped to realize that I will experience those things even if I keep silent.  It is a slower and perhaps less intense pain but not speaking out still cuts you off from any potential deepening of relationship.

But what do you do when that potential for a deeper relationship is not met?  Someone not loving you or not loving you in the same way doesn’t make your feelings go away.  So how do you honour that love without giving too much of yourself away?

These are questions that I will continue to struggle with but as I reflect on them I will hold on to the memory of the tree that is able to provide shelter because it is in a place of strength and I will continue to look for things that bolster my inner strength as I continue to attempt to navigate the complexities of love.

As we enter into Fall all of my favourite places to walk are lined with golden rod.  Which means no matter how antihistamines I take after just a few minutes of walking I start having trouble breathing and get itchy all over.

The grumpy allergy ridden part of my brain says it is just a dumb weed and we should just rip it all out so that I have one less allergen to worry about!

But when I pause to take a moment to observe the plant, I see a flurry of life and activity.  There are bees and wasps fluttering in and out – receiving nourishment and pollinating the plants.  Butterflies stop and rest for a moment providing a beautiful contrast to the vibrant yellow colour. (I didn’t get a picture of that.  Butterflies tend to be shy and fly away when the camera is on them.) 

The golden rod is an important part of the ecosystem that we are a part of, and I should not just remove it for my convenience.

There are so many places in life where the needs of one person conflicts with the needs of someone else.  For a person in a wheelchair a ramp is a necessity but for someone who can walk but is unable to walk long distances the same ramp becomes a barrier.

Using in screens for conferences or in worship services is a great way to provide information to a large group of people but for some people who wear glasses they can be challenging to see.  Some people may have to sit a specific distance away to be able to see properly.

The school I attend strives to be scent free in an attempt to be more accessible.  That is great for me since I am allergic to some scents that are common in cosmetics and cleaning products.  It was not so great for my friend who uses lavender oil to help with her migraines. 

So, when one person’s needs are in direct conflict with the needs of another how do you create a space that is best for everyone.

My initial reaction was to put her health first. After all I am used to being in places that trigger my allergies.  Luckily, my friend was trying to put my health first and didn’t allow me to sacrifice my own well being for hers.  We were able to talk it through and work out a system where she would use it at night and wash it off before I saw her in the morning and if too much lingered on her I was able to move away from her and she would know it was nothing personal.

But when conflicts arise in broader society, we don’t always feel like everyone in the discussion are holding each other’s best interests at heart.

How do we create a space where everyone feels like their needs are heard and we can acknowledge the unique needs and perspectives in a community so that we can move into a place that balances the needs of all?

Where have you seen imbalances in the world? Who needs to be invited into the conversation to address that imbalance?

He loves me… he loves me not…

How many of you grew up playing that game?  When I see this lone petal sitting on the ground it reminds of the hours I spent pulling petals off flowers trying to discover if the person I had a crush on loved me too.  Sometimes as I would get close enough to the end to foresee the outcome I would “accidently” pull two petals at once so that I would get the desired outcome – like the flower truly had the power to grant the love I was searching for.

Although there is much we can learn from flowers and from nature, I don’t think the flowers hold the secrets of love.  So where should we learn about love?

I grew up watching Disney movies and as I got older, I added some good cheesy romantic comedies into the mix.  If I take my love lessons from the movies I have watched, here is what I learned:

• Love happens instantaneously
• You will know within a few days if you found the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with
• If someone picks on you it is because they like you (arguably the most harmful trope)
• If you are nerdy and awkward all you need is a dramatic makeover and then people will love you
• If you hold on to your crush for years, they will eventually come back to you and realize they were in love with you all along
• Your male best friend is probably in love with you
• If someone doesn’t love you in the same way you love them you just need to make a big romantic gesture and then you will be together forever
• Love leads to “happily ever after”

In my experience that is not often how love actually works.  Because I have been so strongly influenced by pop culture ideas of love for I long time I thought I had very little experience of love, but the reality is that I have loved deeply and been loved.  My expression of love just didn’t fit into the cookie cutter of Hollywood romantic love.

In Greek there are seven different words for love:

1. Eros: romantic, passionate love
2. Philia: intimate, authentic friendship
3. Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
4. Storge: unconditional, familial love
5. Philautia: self-love
6. Pragma: committed, companionate love
7. Agápe: empathetic, universal love

The movies and media that influence are culture put so much emphasis on romantic love that we have a tendency undervalue and misinterpret all other types of love in our life. 

I have experienced very little romantic love in my life, but I have friends and family who I love deeply and who love me in return.  Acknowledging the love in my life has actually been incredibly freeing in my search for romantic love.  I have stopped putting so much pressure on myself and any potential romantic partner to fill what I thought was a void in my life.  As much as I do still hope to one day experience that romantic love that will one day develop into a long term commitment, I no longer feel like my love is wasted when it doesn’t work out that way.

I have finally learned that it is okay to love someone who doesn’t love you in the same way (assuming your love doesn’t become obsessive – don’t even get me started on the travesty of the portrayal of how Snape loves Lily).  There will be times when you love someone who doesn’t return the feelings or maybe they will love you in a different way.  That doesn’t mean your love was wasted or that you can’t be friends with that person.  It simply means that you need to create good boundaries so that you can maintain that friendship in a healthy way.  Love is not finite.  Loving one person does not mean you can’t be open to loving someone else. 

Love will change over time.  You will not stay in that romantic happily ever love forever and that’s okay.  Long term committed relationships will have times when you and your partner(s) will feel very close emotionally and there will be times when you feel more distant.  Romantic love only stays constant and lasts forever in fairy tales.

It is so important to learn to acknowledge and express your love in a way that works for you and your loved ones because who we love and how we love impacts how we engage with the world around us.

Take a moment to reflect on and celebrate all the love you have in your life.  How has that love shaped you and affected how you engage with the world?

I went for a barefoot walk this evening. Normally when I walk barefoot, I stick to sidewalks or to grassy areas, but I haven’t walked on the trail by our house in weeks. I was a little concerned that the mulched path would be a bit too rough for my feet but the first couple steps were divinely soft. The mulch at the edge of the path had broken down into a fine dirt after many feet, paws and bikes traveled over it. Traveling further in there were some larger pieces so I had to choose my steps carefully. My movements were slower and more deliberate, so I was able to more fully appreciate the beauty around me – like the sun beginning to set through the trees.

So often we think of challenges in life – the things that wear us down and make us feel broken – as somehow diminishing our worth and wellbeing but what if look at those challenges as something that softens our rough edges.

I have struggled with varying levels of anxiety my whole life. Going into a new place where I don’t know what to expect or what is expected of me always fills me with dread. I am not likely to dive into something new without giving it a lot of thought and doing as much research as possible. At times I have missed opportunities because I was afraid to act. At these times my anxiety is frustrating and I wish I could be rid of it.

Living with anxiety has not been easy but just like the rough patches in the mulch it forced me to slow down and observe the world around me. This has allowed me to be more aware of the needs of others and be more empathetic. It is a challenge I will likely carry with me my whole life but it is also a part of what has made me who I am today and for that I can only be grateful.

Looking at this photo you see a place where there were once three blooms.  Two have flourished while the third has withered away.  There is no way of knowing for sure what happened to the middle flower, but it seems likely that there were not enough resources to support them all.

Looking at these flowers I began to wonder what resources am I using to excess and not leaving enough for others?

This is an important question to ask in this world where there are enough resources to share and yet some many go hungry, but the more I reflected on this image the more I wondered how can I be more like the middle flower? What can I give up so that others around me can flourish?

That kind of sacrificial love is scary.  We are taught to believe that if we give too much up, we will end up like that middle flower – withered and with nothing left to give but I don’t think that is true.

Growing up I was blessed to get to witness part of the life of one of the most generous people I have ever met.  My grandfather, Herb Quickfall, was a child during the depression.  As a young boy he would be sent out to sit on the tractor when the bank came to collect and explain that the tractor to belonged to his grandfather and not his father so they couldn’t take it away.  He grew up in a time when food and resources were scarce. Even in old age he hated eating macaroni because that was something that could be bought cheaply and in bulk, so he had his fill of it in his early years.

It would have been easy for him to feel the need to hoard his money in later years so he would never have to worry about that kind of scarcity again but instead he chose to love indiscriminately and to do his best to help anyone in need.

When friends and family needed a loan to buy a house or start a business, he was there to lend whatever he had.  He loaned and rented land on his small farm to many people and causes over the years .  He even hired one of his old cubs (when the man was in his 60s) to come and mow lawn – which was as much an opportunity to help the man financially as it was a chance to check on his well being each week.

Grandpa gave generously of his physical and financial resources, but he gave even more generously of his love and care for all creation. 

We spent many years helping Grandpa hunt for puffballs and morels.  They were a favourite treat of his, but they were also an excuse to go and visit with a neighbour and share the fruits of our search.  He would always deliver tapes of worship services and newsletters from the church in person so he would have a chance to visit with each person along the way. 

When there was someone new at any event, he would always be among the first to talk to them.  Our family often joked that he was looking for someone who hadn’t heard the same story a hundred times, but the reality was that he always went out of his way to make everyone feel included.

He loved generously in all situations and despite the fact that he would tell you he didn’t have many friends when he died there were hundreds of people at his funeral who had been touched by his stories and by his love and I think each of us there learned to love a little more deeply because of him.

I hope this image and this story will remind you to love deeply and give generously.  It is not always easy – love is not free from pain – but it is worth more than you will ever know!