Content warning: This poem is about sexual assault.
Do you feel like a Christian now?
Do you feel like a Christian now when you spew hate in the name of “showing people the way”?
When you tell people that their faith is wrong…
…that they are stupid…
…that they are going to hell.
Do you feel like a Christian when you wield your keyboard like a sword…
…cutting down anyone you deem unworthy…
…feeling no responsibility to pick them up again.
Because I don’t feel like a Christian when I want to scream at you to stop spreading your hate.
I don’t feel like a Christian when my hatred of you burns so deeply in my soul…
…each word of hate you speak only fueling my hatred of you and “Christians” like you.
Do you feel like a Christian now when you perch above those you deem unworthy and spew your judgement upon them?
When you decide the ways they express their sexuality is immoral…
…telling them who they should or shouldn’t love…
…telling them the way they express their love and sexuality is wrong.
Because I don’t feel like a Christian now when I remember how you chose to express your sexuality.
When I think about it and it makes me want to hit you in your stupid, judgemental face!
Did you feel like a Christian then?
That night you came and I was already too drunk to take care of myself and yet you convinced me to keep drinking with you
until we were the only two left.
Did you feel like a Christian then?
When I showed you to a bed for the night and you chose to follow me to my room instead.
Did you feel like a Christian then?
When you woke in my bed and I wasn’t there.
Did you feel like a Christian then?
When you realised that I left my house in the middle of the night like I had done something wrong.
Because I didn’t feel like a Christian then.
When I woke up on friend’s couch trying to piece together what happened the night before….
…I shouldn’t have drank so much…
…I shouldn’t have let you in my room…
…I shouldn’t have let you kiss me…
…I should have been clearer…
…I should have fought…
…I should have screamed…
…I shouldn’t have just lain there letting my body go into shock…
…it was my fault.
And I don’t feel like a Christian now.
I don’t feel like a Christian now when I am in a room of men and intellectually, I know I am perfectly safe
but I still have to fight the instinct to run away … to protect myself.
I don’t feel like a Christian now when a friend unexpectedly, gently touches my shoulder from behind in a way that reminds me of you,
and I have to suppress an urge to turn around and hit them.
I don’t feel like a Christian now when I have built up so many walls around myself that I can’t find a way to let anyone else in.
And I certainly don’t feel like a Christian when now – 10 years later – I still think of you every time I pray “as we forgive those who trespass against us” and I cannot forgive you!
I cannot let go of what you have taken away from me.
I don’t feel like a Christian now.
So, tell me…
…do you feel like a Christian now?