Category: Poetry

I stand here in front of you
Drawn to your presence like a moth to a flame
And yet…

There is a distance I cannot cross
There air between us is like a wall
Firm and impassable

All I want is to reach out and touch you
To feel the warmth of your hand in mine
To be wrapped in your loving embrace

But all I can do is stand here before you
Just praying the conservation will go on a little longer
Drawing out the time until we have to part again

As you speak all I can think about is the space between us
If only I could just find away to cross it
Just place a hand on your arm

With just that simple touch our worlds would collide
The barrier between us would shatter
We could be in love

But still I hold back
Hand bound to my side
By what?

Fear mostly
Fear that this is all in my head
That you don’t feel the same
That you just see me as a friend

And so I stand here
Heart beating fast
Loving you a little more each day

Waiting, wishing, praying for some small change
Something to bring us together
Something to bridge the space between us

So I can finally find my place in your arms

They called you shy
They called you different
They called you awkward
They called you weird
They called you unlovable

So you put on your masks one layer at a time…

A mask of false confidence
A mask of uniform interests
A mask of mindless chatter
A mask of normalcy
A mask of protection

Layers and layers of masks
Until you didn’t recognize yourself
Habits that aren’t yours
But habits that define you anyway

So you chip away at the masks
Making cracks
To let your light shine through

But is hard work
Breaking free is exhausting
And you find yourself wondering
If you are strong enough
To break free on your own

But you don’t have to do it alone
You just have to let people love you
Let your guard down enough
To let their love shine through
To help widen the cracks

Until finally…

You can break free
To be who you truly are
And know that you are loved
Just for being you

Content warning: This poem is about sexual assault.

Do you feel like a Christian now?

Do you feel like a Christian now when you spew hate in the name of “showing people the way”?

When you tell people that their faith is wrong…
                             …that they are stupid…
                                           …that they are going to hell.

Do you feel like a Christian when you wield your keyboard like a sword…
…cutting down anyone you deem unworthy…
              …feeling no responsibility to pick them up again.

Because I don’t feel like a Christian when I want to scream at you to stop spreading your hate.

I don’t feel like a Christian when my hatred of you burns so deeply in my soul…
…each word of hate you speak only fueling my hatred of you and “Christians” like you.

Do you feel like a Christian now when you perch above those you deem unworthy and spew your judgement upon them?

When you decide the ways they express their sexuality is immoral…
                             …telling them who they should or shouldn’t love…
                                           …telling them the way they express their love and sexuality is wrong.

Because I don’t feel like a Christian now when I remember how you chose to express your sexuality.

When I think about it and it makes me want to hit you in your stupid, judgemental face!

Did you feel like a Christian then?

That night you came and I was already too drunk to take care of myself and yet you convinced me to keep drinking with you
until we were the only two left.

Did you feel like a Christian then?

              When I showed you to a bed for the night and you chose to follow me to my room instead.

Did you feel like a Christian then?

              When you woke in my bed and I wasn’t there.

Did you feel like a Christian then?

              When you realised that I left my house in the middle of the night like I had done something wrong.

Because I didn’t feel like a Christian then.

                           When I woke up on friend’s couch trying to piece together what happened the night before….
  …I shouldn’t have drank so much…
  …I shouldn’t have let you in my room…
  …I shouldn’t have let you kiss me…
  …I should have been clearer…
…I should have fought…
…I should have screamed…
…I shouldn’t have just lain there letting my body go into shock…
…it was my fault.

And I don’t feel like a Christian now.

I don’t feel like a Christian now when I am in a room of men and intellectually, I know I am perfectly safe
but I still have to fight the instinct to run away … to protect myself.

I don’t feel like a Christian now when a friend unexpectedly, gently touches my shoulder from behind in a way that reminds me of you,
and I have to suppress an urge to turn around and hit them.

I don’t feel like a Christian now when I have built up so many walls around myself that I can’t find a way to let anyone else in.

And I certainly don’t feel like a Christian when now – 10 years later – I still think of you every time I pray “as we forgive those who trespass against us” and I cannot forgive you! 
I cannot let go of what you have taken away from me.  
I don’t feel like a Christian now.

So, tell me…
…do you feel like a Christian now?